im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Sober January is a disaster.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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