grandma shit on top of the toilet
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
