Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
