yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
