Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
