that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
