Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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