clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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