Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize