TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
