I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
