K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My room smells like vodka and shame
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
