My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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