The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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