i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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