Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize