obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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