at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize