With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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