i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
