This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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