i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
