he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You are the jesus of drinking
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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