tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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