im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
