I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize