If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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