He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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