if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
