Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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