And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
