god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
