nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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