I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
