that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
