You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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