I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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