i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize