She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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