Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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