The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
a search helicopter?!
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
