we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
