Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
