I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
