i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
