I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
