I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize