So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
