I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
