no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
