The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
