woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
