So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
