i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
