Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
