He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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