96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Drunk is a universal language darling
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
